Do You Struggling with Saying ‘No’? You Might Just Need Time. Here’s One Way to Get It.

Many of us know by now that living a happier, healthier life includes knowing and expressing our boundaries, and therefore being able to say no when we need to. But knowing this and embodying the practice of boundary setting are two very different things.

The State We’re In Matters

There can be early learning or conditioning associated with a difficulty in setting boundaries, which is important to identify and address in and of itself, but one factor that can make saying no more difficult is the in-the-moment discomfort or pressure that some of us can experience.

This additional discomfort may be caused by how we experience the other person’s presentation or the surrounding circumstances, the unexpected or spontaneous nature of the request, or the type of request itself.

But regardless of what triggers it, this state of emotional (and physical) discomfort, and our need to feel relieved of it, can quickly become the driving force for what we say and do next, as well as the pattern of responding that we find ourselves in.

Sometimes we say yes just to end the conversation, which can lead to relief because the situation feels deescalated or neutralized in some way. Other times we may freeze up, our mind goes blank and we forget we have a choice, or we are unable find the words we need, and therefore just go with what the other person wants or says.

These are a few examples of stress-induced ways of perceiving and responding to a situation. That is, we aren’t so much responding to the request, but to the moment itself, which feels uncomfortable, stressful and possibly even threatening. Therefore our response is often rooted in the drive to reduce this stress state and to meet our need to feel okay again.

But saying yes to reduce discomfort in the moment isn’t an inherently great reason to say yes. A great reason to say yes is because you genuinely want to. So it’s important to be able to say no when in the grand scheme of things you really want (or need) to say no.

And you probably have your own list of reasons as to why you want or need to be saying no more in your life. Are you feeling taken advantage of? Do you want to take back more of your time and energy? Do you find yourself experiencing regret, dread, anxiety or even resentment after the dust has settled and you realize you really don’t want to do the thing you said yes to? All of these and more are fantastic reasons to get better at saying no.

So how do we get from the stress-induced yes to the authentic no?

Using Time to Shift Your State and Find Your Authentic Answer

For many of us, the resource of time, without the pressure of the other person standing in front of us or waiting on the other end of the phone, is incredibly valuable. Time gives us a chance to settle our minds and nervous systems, check in with ourselves (and sometimes others), and in a deeper way reflect on whether this is something we want to do and/or is in our capacity to do. This shift in state actually allows us access to more of our thinking brain - not just the parts that perceive and respond to stress.

It also gives us the opportunity to come up with a full response — the answer, the rationale (if warranted), and the compromise or alternative (again, if warranted). Having all of this information scripted and ready to go can help us to not only feel more confident in our position (we know our why), but also to stick to it when responding to the other person.

How to Access Time With a Simple Statement

One statement that I have learned to integrate into my own life, especially in situations where I’ve struggled with people pleasing or poor boundaries, and that I’ve supported my clients in using is any variation of the words, ‘let me get back to you on that.’

It’s not a yes. It’s not a no. It’s a commitment to following up when you have an answer. It’s also a form of respect, for both you and the other person.

But let’s be clear about this statement; ‘let me get back to you on that’ is not an excuse to avoid or not respond at all. It is an intermediary resource that can be used to allow your system to settle and your brain to process the information in the time it needs to take.

Because not all of our brains are great at processing in the moment. And that is okay. You are allowed to take the time you need to come to a decision, even if you’ve been conditioned or pressured to believe otherwise.

It’s also important to note that this strategy doesn’t necessarily dissolve the discomfort that might come up when saying no to people or things that you are used to saying yes to. That is its own area of healing and growth that requires practice to shift. But to become more comfortable with saying no, simply put, we need the embodied experience of saying no. And the more the better.

This statement, and the subsequent time it gives, can support you in being more grounded and present when doing the uncomfortable or scary thing that is saying no so that you can gain that experience and confidence.

And while there are going to be exceptional scenarios in which a response is needed immediately, most of the time there is absolutely the space to pause and reflect.

We just have to give ourselves permission to take it.

In our fast-paced Western culture that often normalizes and praises immediacy, slowing things down and taking time to digest, reflect and respond can sometimes feel like a weakness or something to feel shame around.

It isn’t.

You have the right to take the time you need to check in with yourself and to respond authentically to the world around you.

Heck, take even more time afterwards to process how it went and reflect on what you feel you did well and what you want to remember next time. All of this is valuable information that support self awareness, self compassion, confidence and your capacity to make healthy choices for your life. It also provides you with evidence to support your ability to say no, until it just becomes a thing you do when you need to do it instead of an emotionally charged or stressful circumstance.

A Final Note. Be Kind to Yourself

It’s okay if giving yourself permission to take time is a challenge. Again, immediacy has been conditioned into us as a standard practice of communication. There is a great need for unlearning where this does not serve us as individuals or collectively.

And as I started this article with, many of us have our own individual life experiences that have contributed to a difficulty in knowing and honouring our own needs and boundaries.

This all takes time and care to dismantle and reprogram.

So with that in mind, start where you’re at and be kind to yourself along the way. Begin to think about a few situations or people that you would like to try a time allowing, nervous system settling, information processing let me get back to you experiment and then practice, reflect and repeat.